**Disclaimer: The following post is minimally edited. Please do not take anything I say I am doing as a genuine coping mechanism. Talk to a therapist if you need help.**
This past week has been exceptionally difficult for me to get through mentally. I had an Intermediate Accounting exam on Monday and I knew I had a Tax exam on Friday. Wednesday morning, I was awoken by a phone call notifying me that my godfather had a massive stroke and was not recovering well. Friday after class I learned that he had passed.
What do you do when your life feels fundamentally altered and everyone else is not affected? How do you find time for yourself and your grief amongst an eternally busy college schedule? How do you let your friends know that you can’t be there for them because you can barely be there for yourself and your family?
I don’t know.
I wish I did.
I think I’ve been kind of operating on autopilot the past couple of days. I went to the mall with my friends and had a decent time. I’ve been joking around with them and laughing because that’s what I normally do. But I don’t feel normal. Part of me feels like I am betraying my godfather by acting normal. I don’t want to burden my friends or make them upset at me because of how I feel, but I also want to feel free to feel all of my emotions fully.
The hardest part of this whole scenario is that I can’t just go home and be with my family. I am stuck here. I mean, I could drive home, I guess. But I would have to get time off of work and I would wind up behind in school if I take a week off. I simply cannot afford that. But man, I’m tired. Thanksgiving break cannot come soon enough. But even then, I will not have time to grieve with my family. Other family members will be staying at our house, so we will have next to no private time to be together.
Perhaps I should make an appointment at CAPS and discuss this with a counselor. I don’t know.
I’m just trying to take it one day at a time.